Hidden Bliss
By Ralkana

=/\= =/\= =/\=

“It’s going to be a while, Captain. The reinitialization sequence has just begun.”

Janeway struggled not to sigh. “Understood, Lieutenant. Contact us when you have more information. We’ll be here. Janeway out.”

She sank down on to the floor of the lift next to the other passenger, giving in to her sigh. She looked over into the half-amused, half-exasperated gaze of her first officer.

“Paris is a dead man,” he growled.

She chuckled, placing a hand on his arm. “Really, Commander, is it so bad being trapped here in the lift with me?”

He grabbed her hand up and kissed it briefly, keeping his hold on it afterwards. “Of course not, Kathryn. It’s just that I had great plans for this evening.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Oh really? Care to tell me what?”

He grinned fleetingly. “Nope. That would ruin the surprise.”

“Chakotay…”

“No. I’m not telling. If they don’t happen tonight, then they’ll happen later on this week. You’ll find out then.”

“I could make it an order.”

“Then you’d have to throw me in the brig, because I won’t tell, and if you do that, then you’ll never find out.”

She sighed and shook her head with a grin, and they lapsed into companionable silence. He was working on the duty roster in his head, a task he reserved for these impromptu breaks. He glanced at Kathryn and saw the slight furrow in her brow; he tried not to smile, knowing that she was trying to guess his plans.

After a while, Kathryn glanced back at him, but he was absorbed in his task.

“Chakotay, how many times have we been trapped together in the ‘lift or some other small, confined space?”

He looked up and shrugged. “I don’t know. Too many to count.”

“And of those times, how many have ended up with us wrapped in each others’ arms after having confessed our undying love? Better yet, how many of those times have ended up with us disheveled and sweaty?”

“None, of either. But we could make this the first time for the second option if you like…” he said, leering at her.

She swatted his arm. “The point I’m trying to make is, if it never works, why do they keep doing it?”

“They’ve got good intentions, Kathryn. They see that what we have between us is good, and they want us to act upon it.”

She nodded, beginning to look troubled, and he sighed. He didn’t want to get into this with her now. It was a touchy subject between them, one best left undisturbed. After a few moments, he glanced back at her, eyebrow raised.

“You do know why we’re in here today, right?”

She just looked at him.

“Kathryn, it’s Valentine’s Day.”

“So?”

“So, they figure we’ll get to talking about the holiday, we’ll flirt, things will heat up, I’ll tell you a romantic story, and you’ll throw yourself into my arms.”

She rolled her eyes at the scenario he’d laid out, and he laughed. “Kathryn, except for the fact that it wasn’t Valentine’s Day, that’s pretty much what happened.”

Kathryn scowled, and he looked away. “This wouldn’t keep happening if we could just tell them,” he said softly, immediately regretting it.

She looked up sharply. “Chakotay—”

“I know. We’ve discussed it. I’m sorry for bringing it up again,” he said quickly, and they grew quiet once more. This silence, however, was tense and strained—very unlike the easy quiet that had existed before.

Eventually, Chakotay said, “Forgive me, Kathryn. It’s just… I don’t understand it. When this started, you asked me to keep it quiet for a while to give you a chance to get used to it, and I was more than willing to do so. But it’s been almost five months, and you’re nowhere nearer to wanting this out in the open. Aren’t you used to it, to us, by now?”

Kathryn was looking at the deck, and she showed no signs of answering, so he went on.

“Don’t misunderstand me; I love what we have, what we share. It’s made me happier than I ever thought I could be, but… Spirits help me, but I want all of you, Kathryn. I see what Tom and B’Elanna have, what the other couples on Voyager have, and I want that openness. I want to bring you a rose on a bad day without worrying about what it will ‘look like,’ I want to dance with you in Sandrine’s without making sure we’re keeping ‘regulation distance’ from each other. When we go down to planets for diplomatic dinners, I want to escort you not because you’re my captain but because you’re the woman I love. When governors and presidents and ambassadors compliment you, I want to be able to show pride in you not as an able diplomat or a talented negotiator but because you’re a beautiful, intelligent, charming woman who loves me. I want to fall asleep in your arms in your bed after we’ve made love, not get up, put my uniform on again and go back to my own cold, empty bed. I want to wake up to the sound of your gentle breathing, not the sound of you rushing around my quarters, frantically getting dressed and asking the computer four times if there’s anyone in the corridor! You say that you love me, Kathryn, and I believe you, but I guess I just can’t understand how it is that you don’t want all of that too.” His voice broke, and he stopped.

Though she didn’t look up, he saw the reflection of the light in the tear that rolled down her cheek. When she answered him, her voice was shaky.

“I do want all of that, Chakotay. I want everything you said and more. I want all of you too. But as Voyager’s captain—”

He sighed and opened his mouth, but she cut him off. “No, listen to me!” she said, her voice strident, and he subsided, surprised. “You haven’t heard this before! It’s not about protocol or parameters.

“As Voyager’s captain, I belong to the crew, Chakotay. Everything I do is fair game to them. The Doctor and Neelix keep track of when I eat—not to mention you, but I don’t mind you—the computer logs when I’m awake and asleep, and that information is available to anyone. The crew places bets on what mood I’ll be in, what my hair will look like, what entrée I’ll choose in the mess hall, everything, Chakotay. Everything I do. I just… you know Kathryn, you love Kathryn. Kathryn is yours, and you are hers—mine. I want some part of my life that is mine. No one else’s. Something, some safe haven where I can be me. They’re already betting on whether we’re together… I don’t want them betting on what holoprogram we’re using, what pet names we use in bed, what position we’ll be making love in! It’s none of their business, Chakotay! I want my life!”

Chakotay stared at her, stunned by her outburst. Every time he’d tried to begin this discussion before, she’d simply smiled winningly at him and told him she needed more time, and he’d sighed and given in. He didn’t know whether to be happy that she was finally opening up to him or angry that she hadn’t told him her feelings in the first place. While he was trying to reason it out, she spoke again.

“I know they’ll find out eventually. We can’t keep it from them forever, but I just… I just want this for me, for a little while. I know it’s selfish, and it’s unfair to you, and I’m sorry for that, but I can’t help it. I’ve given them everything of me for six years, I made myself unhappy and lonely and bitter for their sakes by keeping you away, and now, I want something for me. I’m sorry; I’ve never meant to hurt you with this, but…” She grabbed his hands. “What we have is the best part of me, Chakotay, that’s how I feel, and I don’t want to share that part with anyone else! Not yet!”

He squeezed her hands, trying to calm and reassure her. “Why didn’t you tell me all this before, Kathryn?” he asked softly.

She sighed. “Because I didn’t want to talk about it. Discussing it has just made me realize how unlikely it is that we can keep this hidden for much longer. I just wanted the… bliss to last as long as possible.”

Chakotay frowned at her. “Kathryn, we’ve discussed this part of it before. The crew should have no bearing on how blissful you are about this. Regardless of whether or not they know about us, this is your life. Your opinion on the situation is the only one that matters. And I think that you are seriously underestimating our crew if you truly believe that what you said is likely to happen. They may like placing bets on your hairstyle, but they’re intelligent enough to stay out of the captain’s bedroom.”

Kathryn stared at him. “Chakotay, you were a junior officer once upon a time. Surely you remember what it was like.”

“Captain Janeway, are you telling me that as a junior officer you participated in betting pools regarding the personal lives of your superior officers?” he teased.

She colored slightly. “That’s not the point.”

“Kathryn, I’ll admit that as a junior officer, I took part in my fair share of… speculation, but it’s different in the alpha quadrant. There, a captain is someone you feel loyalty toward while you’re serving on their ship, someone you rarely think of—perhaps fondly, perhaps not—after that particular tour of duty is over. A captain there is a figure, an entity, not really a person. These people love you, Kathryn; they want you to be happy. And though Tom may tease you and the Spirits know that B’Ela ribs me, they would never do anything to hurt us; you know that. All of this—” he swept his hand around in a gesture that indicated them and the ‘lift, “—is because they want you—us—to be happy. It’s not to cash in on the betting pools. Tom isn’t the same man he was six years ago, Kathryn. If we want the pools to stop, all we have to do is talk to him honestly about what’s going on. He’ll stop it in an instant.”

She nodded slowly, and they lapsed back into silence. He watched her surreptitiously, observing out of the corner of his eye as she mulled over what he’d said. When she finally looked up, there was a hint of trepidation in her eyes.

“Chakotay, I want you to know that I’ve heard you; I’m not just blowing off your concerns and your feelings. You’re probably right about our crew, but I just don’t know if I can do this yet.”

He stroked her cheek briefly, dropping his hand before the contact increased and heated things up. “Kathryn, this isn’t an ultimatum; I never meant for it to be that. I didn’t know how you really felt about all this. You have to tell me, beloved; I can’t read your mind—”

“You could have fooled me. You always seem to know what I’m thinking.”

“Just because I’m often in tune with your needs doesn’t mean I know your every thought. This whole thing could have been avoided if you’d only told me how you felt. I just didn’t understand the mixed signals I was getting.”

“I know that now. I’m sorry.”

“We can keep this quiet for as long as it takes our crew to figure it out,” he said, and she sighed softly in relief. “But Kathryn, you’re right; it probably won’t take too much longer. They’re pretty smart. They have to be. They are your crew, after all.”

“Our crew.”

“Yeah, but you’re the brains of the outfit.”

“You gonna try and tell me you’re just a pretty face, Commander?”

“You’ve got the brains and the beauty; I’ve just got the beauty.”

She snorted, “Not to mention the modesty and the humility.”

Chakotay laughed. “Of course, in abundant quantities. And Kathryn, when they do find out, I’ll have that talk with Tom—he’ll keep the rest in line.”

Kathryn nodded. “I know he will.” She reached for his hands again. “Thank you, Chakotay, for understanding. I should have known that you would. I guess since you’re trying to so hard, I can compromise a little too.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll try to be a little less paranoid about them finding out. From now on, I’ll only check the corridor three times on my way out.”

He looked startled for a moment, and then he chuckled. “Thank you, Kathryn.”

“You’re welcome, Chakotay. Now go back to your duty roster,” she ordered, and he laughed.

“Aye, Captain! And what will you be doing?”

She chuckled evilly. “Trying to come up with tasks I can give our chief helmsman and engineer that will satisfy my need for revenge without arousing their suspicions that I know what they’re up to. After all, I quite enjoy these little breaks; I don’t want them to stop completely.”

He shook his head, grinning. “Good luck.”

Silence reigned again in the small space for a short while. Suddenly the lift gave a jerk and began moving, just as Kathryn’s combadge chirped.

“Torres to Janeway. Everything’s back up and running again, Captain.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” she responded as Chakotay helped her to her feet. “I expect a full incident and status report at tomorrow’s senior staff meeting.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Have a good night, B’Elanna.”

“Thank you, Captain. You too—and you, Commander. Torres out.”

“That was relatively fast for a ‘problem’ with the turbolift. You think it was a genuine malfunction?” he asked.

She eyed him evenly and he returned her stare until they both burst out laughing.

“No, I don’t think so either,” he said just as the doors opened onto their deck.

They continued down the corridor toward their quarters, completely unsurprised to come across Tom Paris trying to pretend he wasn’t lurking in the hall, waiting for their arrival.

“Captain! Commander!” he exclaimed, and his eyes quickly traveled over their forms, searching for any signs of emotional or physical dishevelment. When he didn’t find any, he hid his disappointment well, but not well enough for it to escape their notice. They hid their grins much better. “How are you this evening?” he asked solicitously.

“Fine, Lieutenant, thank you. Late for dinner due to a problem with the ‘lift, so please excuse us,” the captain said with a smile. Tom nodded and the command team moved off again.

When they were out of earshot, Chakotay murmured, “You’d think if they were going to post a sentry, they’d at least pick someone whose quarters are on this deck.”

Kathryn laughed. “Maybe they’re not as smart as we’ve given them credit for,” she said as they reached her quarters. Chakotay’s gaze swept the corridor with the ease of long practice, and finding no one, he leaned closer until his lips were nearly brushing her ear.

“It’s not too late for those plans of mine,” he whispered.

She shivered as his warm breath caressed her skin. “Give me ten minutes to change and then I’ll be at your door.”

“Take your time, beloved.”

As he turned to go, her eyes traveled the same path his had. When she too found nothing, she whispered his name. He turned back with a questioning look in his eyes, and she leaned forward and quickly pressed her lips to his. She almost laughed at the bewildered look on his face; it was the first time she had ever given him more than just a friendly touch while they were anywhere another crewmember could possibly see them.

“I’ll be right there,” she said, slipping into her quarters before he could say anything.

Chakotay stared at her closed door for a moment longer, before shaking his head and moving toward his own cabin.

“That woman is going to be the death of me,” he growled. “But at least I’ll die happy.”