No Holds Barred
By Ralkana

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Kathryn did her best to refrain from tapping her foot as she waited for Chakotay to answer the door. Several moments went by, and the door remained irritatingly closed, so she rang again. When there was still no response, she began to get worried.

"Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in Holodeck One."

Her eyes widened. "Still?"

"Please restate the query."

"Computer, how long has Commander Chakotay been in Holodeck One?"

"Commander Chakotay has been in Holodeck One for five hours, twenty-four minutes, and thirty-nine seconds."

"So he did leave for a little while at least."

"Please res–"

"Never mind."

Kathryn made her way to the holodeck, studying the panel by the doors. It was his boxing program, and he hadn’t engaged the privacy lock. She sighed gratefully. Well, that will make it a little bit easier to get him out of here.

She entered just in time to see Chakotay’s opponent hit the mat. The man lay there, breathing hard, before struggling to his knees.

"Good match," her first officer said breathlessly, tapping gloves with the hologram. "Again?"

His opponent shook his head. "No thanks, man. I’m done for the day. In fact, I think I’m done for the month."

Chakotay turned away from the man – and further away from the doors – yelling over his shoulder. "Boothby!"

"Yeah, kid?" the older man replied, emerging from some back room.

"Got anyone else?"

Boothby frowned. "Time to hit the showers, Chakotay. You’ve been sparring all day."

"Just one more round – "

"No. You keep it up like this, you’ll be dead before you get a real match lined up. You’re not even working on your technique. You’re just hitting. Now come out of there and leave the ring for someone who wants to work."

Chakotay turned away from him, brushing one arm over his forehead. "Computer! Restart program!"

"Computer, freeze program," Kathryn called out, pushing off from the wall where she’d been watching. Chakotay whirled around.

"Kathryn!"

"When I went on duty this morning, we parted ways here at this holodeck. My shift is now over, and here you are."

He made his way over to her. "I broke for lunch," he said, staring down at his gloves as an excuse not to meet her eyes. When she didn’t respond, he sighed and looked up. "All right. I did stop. I went back to my quarters, ate, tried to read some reports, but I couldn’t sit still. I came back a couple of hours ago."

"Five and a half, according to the computer."

His eyes narrowed. "Checking up on me?"

"Yes," she said bluntly. "I’m worried."

"I’m fine," he said quickly.

"Chakotay – "

"Really."

"Look. Why don’t you get cleaned up, and we’ll have dinner – like we were supposed to before you stood me up for that charming gentleman there," she added, nodding to the holographic opponent frozen in the act of practically crawling out of the ring. "My treat. Okay?"

"Okay," he replied, and though his voice was upbeat, she noticed him glance longingly at the ring. She stepped sideways so that she would be in his line of vision again.

"My quarters in twenty minutes, then," she said firmly, and he nodded.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Come in!" she called, turning away from the replicator as Chakotay stepped into her quarters.

He stopped, playfully posing as if asking for her approval on his appearance. He’d showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, leaving his hair combed down rather than in the slicked back style he used on duty. He gave her a smile, which she returned, but when she looked more closely, she could see the tension lining his face, and there were dark smudges under his eyes.

She nodded, her grin much more forced this time. She hated to see him suffering, and he was determined to face his fears on his own, with no help from her or anyone else. We’ll see about that. "You look much more comfortable. Besides, I’d think the gloves might make eating dinner just a bit difficult."

He laughed, taking a dish from her and carrying it to the table. There was quiet in the room as they served themselves and began eating. Finally, she set down her fork and gave him a searching look.

"Are you going to tell me why you were hiding in the holodeck?"

"I wasn’t hiding! I told you... I’m a little high-strung after being stuck in chaotic space, and boxing helps me relax."

"I know, Chakotay, but all day? I know this wasn’t easy for you. If you’re having trouble getting through it, maybe you should talk to the Doctor."

"I don’t need the Doctor. I’m fine." He gazed earnestly at her, his dark eyes pleading with her to drop the subject. He cleared his throat. "B'Elanna’s report on monthly surges in replicator use had some interesting points, didn’t – "

"No business at the table tonight, okay? I think we need a night to decompress."

He lifted his eyes from his plate to her face quickly, and then just as quickly ducked his head. She watched him. She’d taken away another avenue of escape. "All right."

Kathryn decided to try another tactic. "So how did you get into boxing, anyway? It doesn’t..." All of a sudden, she wasn’t sure how to finish her sentence. "It doesn’t seem like you."

He frowned at her. "Doesn’t seem like me?"

She smiled uncomfortably. "I know you’re a man of peace, Chakotay. Boxing isn’t the most tranquil of hobbies."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow and gave her a rueful grin. "I’m not..." He cleared his throat again, nervously. "I believe I’ve told you before that I wasn’t always peaceful. Before the trouble with the Cardassians began, I was fairly... content with my life, if not happy. I was uneasy in my skin, I guess you could say, but I’d gotten used to it. That vague unease was just a part of me."

Kathryn rested her chin on her hand, listening silently. Inwardly, she was amazed that he was speaking so easily of his past. Chakotay normally spoke readily of his people’s traditions, and he willingly told her the stories of his ancestors, but his own history was well guarded; bringing up his family and his home was a painful exercise for him, given how it had all been destroyed. She supposed that the experiences of the past couple of days had opened up his mind and given him a lot to think about.

"But for a long time when I was young, especially in my first years with Starfleet – at the Academy – I was an angry young man. At my father, my people..." He shrugged. "Everyone. The universe."

"So, what? You decided to step into the ring and take out that anger on anyone who got in there with you?"

He laughed. "Actually, yes, that pretty much sums it up. I needed a sport to fulfill the Academy’s athletic requirement, and my home hadn’t provided much in the way of organized sports. As boys, and later as young men, we were encouraged to spar and hone our physical combat skills, but it was mostly a matter of tradition." His face darkened. "No one ever thought we’d have to use them... not that hand-to-hand skills did anyone any good when the Cardassians showed up."

He shook himself out of the somber reverie. "Sorry. Anyway, boxing was an individual sport, perfect for someone who really didn’t want to be a part of a team, and it let me get my aggression out." He smiled briefly. "And, as it turned out, I was pretty good at it."

"So I hear."

Chakotay rolled his eyes. "Has B'Elanna been telling stories again? She loves to bring up my stats. Gives her a thrill to think the ‘old man’ used to beat the sh–crap out of guys on a weekly basis."

Kathryn laughed. "She has brought it up, once or twice. She’s proud of you."

His smile turned soft. "Not as proud as I am of her."

She reached across the table, running a finger gently along the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes at the touch. "This a result of your glory days?"

He nodded, reluctantly opening his eyes as she withdrew her hand. "My freshman year. Last match of the year. He hit me with a helluva left jab. I went to the mat, but I wasn’t out. That pissed me off more than anything. The anger and adrenaline got me through the rest of the last round. I collapsed just after they declared me the winner." He laughed, not seeing her frown. "Boothby was on my case all summer that year for not staying down. Worked me twice as hard as any of the other guys. He probably still hasn’t forgiven me."

"I think I agree with the Doctor about your hobby," she said quietly. He sighed and stared down at the table. "How come you didn’t have it fixed?"

"I was young and stupid. Thought a scar would look good, prove I was tough. My father hated it when I went home. He said it made me look barbarous. After that, I kept it just for that reason. Because he hated it."

She studied him. His shoulders were slumped, and he wasn’t meeting her eyes again. She wasn’t sure if she was helping or not, but he was so determined not to talk about what was bothering him, and she was really playing it by ear.

"I saw you box, actually," she suddenly said with a grin. "You had excellent form."

He looked up, his eyes wide. "You did? You never told me."

"I’ve meant to. It kept slipping my mind, until this... incident. My roommate was a big boxing aficionado. She dragged us all to the match one evening. As I recall, though your form was excellent, you didn't come out too well in that bout."

He groaned. "You had to attend the one match I lost, didn't you... hey. There was a pretty... You were there with a group of girls. Second row, near my corner. Weren't you?"

"Yes, I... you remember?"

"Of course I do! It was you who distracted me! I was flagging anyway, but you all giggled. He got in a good shot, and I went down."

"Excuse me? I don't giggle. Not now, and not then. That was Jenna. I was watching the match."

"Ah, but you see, my attention was drawn to the giggling blonde, but it was held by the quiet redhead."

"Oh no. I'm not taking the blame for your loss, mister."

Chakotay laughed. "Damn. That excuse doesn't work with you either, hmm? Boothby didn't believe me, and neither did the other fighters. They just looked at me like I was–"

He cut himself off and looked quickly away.

"Chakotay? What is it?" She realized what he'd been about to say, and she sighed. "Like you were crazy?" she said softly, and he tried to hide his flinch. "You’re not crazy, Chakotay."

"I know I’m not!" he countered, quickly, defensively. "Not now. Not yet, anyway."

"You’re not going to go crazy."

He stared at her, his determination to avoid the subject fading rapidly in the face of his fear. "How can you be sure of that?" he asked wildly.

"Chakotay–"

"It happened. God, Kathryn, it was everything I’ve ever feared it would be. I don’t... I couldn’t handle that again."

"The Doctor repressed the gene again, Chakotay. You’re perfectly healthy."

"It was repressed before all this! Who’s to say something else isn’t going to trigger it?" Now that the wall holding in his anxiety had been breached, it was pouring out of him.

Kathryn sighed, not sure what certainties she could offer him.

"How can I do my job, live my life, without worrying that something is just going to come along and–" He snapped his fingers. "Make me crazy?"

"Chakotay, worrying about it, dwelling on it like this... you’re going to make yourself crazy."

He glared at her. "You’re not helping."

"I’m sorry. You’re right. The truth is, this is an unknown quadrant, and we have no idea who can do what to us out here. You just have to trust me, your friends, the Doctor; you have to know that we’ll do everything we can to make sure that no one uses this to hurt you."

Chakotay ran a hand through his hair. "Spirits, what if no one even has to do anything to trigger it?" he mumbled. He locked eyes with her, and his were dark and huge and desperate. "What if something Riley–"

"Chakotay, stop," she said sharply. His mouth shut with a nearly audible snap. "There’s nothing left from that link. I know you know that; I’ve heard the Doctor tell you that several times over the years." She reached across the table and took his hand. "I know you’re scared, Chakotay. You’re scared of this gene, and you’re scared of the Borg, and your fears are feeding off each other."

He yanked his hand away from her. "Why do you care? I’m just a tool to you."

Kathryn stared at him, astonished. "What?"

He pushed back from the table, catching the leg with the edge of his chair. Dishes rattled angrily, and his empty wineglass fell over and shattered. Neither paid it any attention. He was up and pacing, but all she could do was watch him, still in shock at his harsh words.

"What if the past few days means the gene can’t be completely repressed anymore? What if it just gets worse? If that happens, Kathryn, it’s your fault."

Kathryn stood now, angrily. She tried to tell herself that he was worried and lashing out, and that he didn’t know what he was saying, but it didn’t help much. "What..." she took a deep breath. "How would that be my fault, Chakotay?"

"Because I could have stopped it days ago! I stayed there, going crazy, for you! Because you asked me to!"

"Chakotay, I–"

"I was terrified, Kathryn. And you didn’t care. All I was to you was a means to an end."

"That’s not true! I was worried about you! More worried than–"

"I bet you loved that it was me there. The one person who would have taken the least convincing from you–"

"Chakotay! We needed you! They needed you, to communicate! Without you, we’d probably still be there, stuck there like that other ship. And we would have all died, Chakotay, and you probably would have gotten even worse! You would have died, seeing and hearing things, talking to people who weren’t there. Isn’t that what you’re so damn afraid of?"

He stopped pacing and turned to look directly at her. She was relieved to see that some of the wild fright had left him, but she was not reassured by the cold look in his eyes now.

"That doesn’t change the fact that you used me, Kathryn. You used the way that I feel to get me to do what you wanted me to do. I couldn’t even think straight, and that made it easier for you."

"I don’t understand, Chakotay. I didn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t have asked B'Elanna or Neelix or Sam Wildman to do if they had been the one in Sickbay."

"And would you have rested your hand on B'Elanna’s chest? Cupped Neelix’ cheek? Looked into Sam’s eyes and used that soft, cajoling voice on her? Or is all of that reserved only for me? The barest scraps of affection, weapons yielded to get me to do something I was so afraid to do!"

Kathryn sighed. "So that’s what this is about."

"Yes! That’s what this is about! So I wasn’t imagining any of that!" he hissed, but there was relief in his voice, and she heard it clearly. Then, his eyes narrowed as he stared at her once again. "You do admit that there was something there, then."

Her head came up sharply. "I didn’t admit anything!"

His fist crashed down on the table, and she jumped. "Dammit! Can’t you just be honest for once, Kathryn? For once, can’t you tell me how things really are? Or is this it? Were those just... treats to get the dog to do a trick?"

"Chakotay, no, it’s not like that. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry if any of my actions in Sickbay led you to think–"

His hand came up in a sharp, chopping motion. "Save it. Don’t do it again, Kathryn. Don’t touch me to get me to do what you want, don’t invite me to dinner to check on my emotional state, don’t keep tabs on me in the holodeck." He turned for the door, and then he looked back over his shoulder, shaking his head. "I put myself through hell for you in the past few days, Kathryn."

He walked toward the door, and she knew that if he left, he would never come back as Chakotay. Every visit would be in uniform and ordered by her. He had finally done what she’d been afraid he would do for several years; he’d asked her for a straight answer.

"Chakotay!"

He stopped but didn’t turn.

"All right," she forced out, and her voice was shaking badly. "Okay. You’ve faced your worst fears because I asked you to. I guess I owe you an honest answer. I do care for you, Chakotay. More than Starfleet would like," she added softly, moving toward him.

Chakotay snorted. "Kathryn, you care for everyone on this ship more than Starfleet would like. You’re not supposed to care for us at all," he retorted, his back still to her.

Her jaw dropped. She was trying as hard as she could, and he was making light of her efforts. "Just what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I was terrified I was losing you? That I hated seeing you like that? That I love you? Is that what you want to hear?" She clapped a hand over her mouth. Chakotay whirled around.

"Yes," he said, and his eyes were wide and bright. He crossed the room to stand directly in front of her, tipping her chin up with his finger.

"Are you happy now?" she asked angrily, a tear of frustration and embarrassment slipping from her eye.

"Yes," he repeated, gently wiping her cheek with his thumb. "I would have preferred it if it hadn’t been dragged out of you, but yes, Kathryn, I’m happy now."

He lowered his lips to hers, and her eyes fluttered closed. His lips were warm and gentle as they softly caressed her, and she sighed in pleasure. Just as she was about to part her lips and let him in, he pulled away. His hand came up to cup her cheek, softly stroking her skin. He stared into her eyes, and she could see joy in those dark, endless depths.

"Thank you," he whispered, and with a kiss to her knuckles that made her shiver, he turned from her again. Kathryn gaped at him in bewilderment.

"That’s it?" she blurted before she could stop herself. Chakotay smiled and turned back.

"That’s all I wanted. I just wanted the truth. I wanted to know that the words you used, the touches you bestowed upon me, the concern I felt from you – I wanted to know that they came from your heart, Kathryn. That I wasn’t just a tool to you."

"Oh, Chakotay. I–"

"I was so confused, Kathryn. I was imagining – hallucinating, seeing and hearing so many things. It tore me up to think that I was imagining you – your concern, your tenderness in Sickbay. And then I realized I wasn’t, and I got angry. All I wanted was to know that I had no justification for that anger. And now I know."

"But..."

He took her hands but stayed at arms’ length. "I’m not going to push you into anything you aren’t ready for, Kathryn. I just wanted to know the truth."

She stared at him, seeing the honesty in his gaze. It was unfathomable to her that he wasn’t kissing her, holding her, leading her to the bedroom. She’d just admitted she loved him, and he hadn’t jumped on her like a man long denied. He was simply... there, loving her as much as she’d let him. Just like he’d always been.

"You’d really be willing to wait as long as I needed you to?" she asked softly. He smiled.

"I’ll be here when you’re ready," he murmured.

"And... what if you’re not? What if something happens to one of us before that?" she whispered, facing her own worst fear head on. He closed his eyes, and she could see the pain cross his face. He gripped her hands tighter.

"Then you’ll know I loved you. And I’ll know you loved me."

The certainty in his voice chased away the last of her doubts. Kathryn stepped forward, laying her head on his chest as she wrapped her arms around his waist. His arms came up to cradle her close to him, and he rested his chin on the top of her head, rubbing his cheek in the silk of her hair.

"I’m ready," she murmured, and she felt him breathe deeply in response.

"I love you, Kathryn," he whispered, and she smiled.

"I know. And I love you."

They held each other in silence, just resting in each other’s arms. Then, his kisses whispered across the top of her head, and he sighed.

"I’m still so scared, Kathryn," he said evenly, and she closed her eyes, knowing how much it must have taken for him to admit that.

"I am too," she answered. "But we’ll fight our fears. After all, isn’t that what you do?" she asked with a grin, punching him lightly in the side. He jumped and laughed.

"I guess you’re right. And I guess it really is a team sport after all." He brushed his lips across hers with a smile, and she smiled back at the flash of his dimples. Just before he deepened the kiss, he murmured, "Begin Round One."