Out of Sight, Out of Mind, Into Heart
By Ralkana

Disclaimer – I don’t own them; Paramount does. If I owned them, I’m pretty sure they’d have been much, much happier.

Comments and feedback to Ralkana47@yahoo.com would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Author's Note – An episode addition to Cathexis.

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“What was it like, anyway?”

Chakotay sipped his tea as he pondered B'Elanna’s question. How could he put the experience into terms she could understand, into terms anyone who wasn’t him could understand? How did one explain one’s mind, one’s soul, one’s spirit being ripped from one’s body and then thrust back in?

“It was… weird.”

When she stared at him, clearly unimpressed with his answer, he laughed.

“Give me a break, Torres! I’m a little tired, and I’m not quite ready to get into a theological or spiritual discussion!”

B'Elanna snorted. “I guess you’re right. I’m not either, and my mind hasn’t recently gone for a stroll and left my body behind. I’ll let you sleep, old man, if you promise to stick around—all of you.”

Chakotay grinned. “I’ll do my damnedest.”

With a quick squeeze of his shoulder, she bade him good night and left his quarters. The feeling of her hand on him brought to mind another recent touch, which in turn brought a fleeting smile.

B'Elanna’s last question stayed with him, and he found himself once again contemplating the whole experience. He knew he should probably go on a vision quest to help him understand it all, but he was so tired. He didn’t even want to walk the short distance to his bed. All he wanted to do was sit here and let his mind wander.

When he realized what he’d just thought, he laughed out loud and muttered, “But not too far.”

His gaze fell on the coffee table, where his medicine wheel, which B'Elanna had carried back with her when she walked him home from Sickbay, rested. He smiled as he remembered B'Elanna’s cheeks flushing as she’d laughingly recounted how she’d accidentally tried to set his spirit on a path toward the Mountains of the Antelope Women. Though he’d laughed with her, he’d been surprised by a sense of disquiet within him, and as he thought of it now, his smile faded as the slight uneasiness returned.

He realized that even if the Doctor had not informed B'Elanna of her mistake, his spirit would have found no joy, no peace among the Antelope Women. It would have resisted their alluring siren song to find its way back to this place. He would have missed this ship, this crew too much.

He would have missed B'Elanna, the snarling spitfire who nevertheless cared enough about him to muddle through the healing methods of his people, despite the fact that she was risking ridicule from the rest of the crew. And he would have missed Ayala and Bendara, and several of the others who’d been so important to him during his life’s most turbulent days. Sweet, gentle Kes. Harry’s enthusiasm and Neelix’ effusiveness. Even Tom, Tuvok, and the Doctor and their annoying but somehow still endearing ways.

And he would have missed his captain. He acknowledged with a rueful grin that that was the cause of the disquiet. It was the realization of just how much he would have missed his captain. He wondered with a start when he had stopped thinking of her as the captain and begun thinking of her as his captain. Such a subtle change, but it was so telling.

As he sat silently in his quarters, his defenses down after what was unquestionably a traumatic experience, Chakotay allowed himself to admit that he was falling in love with her. And though he knew that it would most likely cause nothing but problems, he couldn’t stifle the happiness that the admission brought him. It had been so long since he’d felt such a positive, fulfilling emotion, and he reveled in it. What need had he of Antelope Women when he had Kathryn Janeway to occupy his time and his thoughts?

He was so lost in contemplation that he barely heard his door chime. He absently called for entry, only looking up when he realized his visitor hadn’t greeted him. The object of his musings was standing just inside his door, observing him.

“You looked light years away… am I disturbing you?”

“Captain! No, I…” He weakly tried to stand, but she raised a hand to stop him.

“Sit down, Commander. That’s an order.”

He laughed. “One order I have no desire to try and disobey… I’m not too steady on my legs yet. Come in.”

She came toward the sitting area but veered toward the replicator at the last moment. “Can I get you something? My treat.”

“Well in that case…” He began speculatively, laughing when she shot him a mock glare over her shoulder. “Tea’s fine, thank you.”

She brought him his tea and ignored his vaguely disapproving glance as she sipped at her coffee. Seating herself on the couch beside him, she gave him a quick once over. “How are you doing?”

“I’m tired. Weak… it’s nothing specific, just overall fatigue. I think I just need sleep, but my mind’s too busy to calm down. Doc says I should be fit for duty in a few days.”

He was grateful that his newfound realization didn’t seem to show in his demeanor toward her, since hers toward him was unchanged. They sat in silence for a while, sipping their drinks, and then she glanced slyly at him with a coy grin.

“What? That look means trouble.”

“So, Commander… you apologized to Tuvok for knocking him around, but how much did you enjoy it, really?”

“Captain!” he laughed, shocked. She just raised one eyebrow in reply. He grinned gleefully. “You just want to live vicariously through what I remember, since you were the one that actually did the knocking around!”

Janeway flushed. “If you tell him, I’ll have your rank bar! But did you have to hit him that hard? My hand’s gonna be sore for days!”

He laughed again, and then he sobered. “I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it at all, but it would have been much more satisfying if the ship hadn’t been in such danger.”

Her grin changed, becoming a grateful smile. “I don’t think I’ve thanked you for your actions.”

He shrugged, trying his best not to think about being in his captain's body. “Just doing my job. Protecting our people.”

“Thank you, nevertheless,” she countered. He returned her smile, and she added, “So what was it like, anyway, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Her question, the same as B'Elanna’s, asked in the same childlike, fascinated tone, started him laughing. When she looked at him with a vaguely hurt expression on her face, he tried to compose himself.

“I’m sorry… I’m not laughing at you. It’s just that B'Elanna asked the same question, and I don’t have any more of an answer for you than I did for her. It was weird. Disheartening, but enlightening at the same time. I was here, and yet not here. It was frustrating.”

“Well I, for one, am glad that you are concretely back among us,” she said with a smile, placing a hand on his shoulder. He felt the gentle touch strongly through the soft homespun shirt he wore, so different from the thick Starfleet armor that usually came between his skin and her touches.

The sensation jolted him, reminding him of what had happened when he’d first awakened in Sickbay. She’d placed both her small hands on his bare shoulder and then left them there while she’d talked to him. Though her hands had been cool, her touch had burned him; he’d been sure that when she removed them, his shoulder would be scorched, branded, marked as hers. He’d been extremely grateful for his body’s fatigue, knowing that if he were any stronger, the monitors and alarms on his biobed would have gone crazy, completely embarrassing him and most likely mortifying her.

Even now, as her touch lingered, he could feel his body awakening slowly, responding to the touch. He tore his gaze away from the sight of her hand on his shoulder, raising his eyes to look into hers as he forced a smile onto his face.

Kathryn must have mistaken the heat in his gaze for anger, because the color drained from her face and she jerked her hand back. The loss of contact was an almost physical pang to him. “Oh! I’m… That was… I’m sorry—“ she murmured, as the color came back into her cheeks with a vengeance.

“No!” he blurted, a little too quickly. “I mean… I’m not angry. I was just… just thinking about what a… healing… touch you have.”

If possible, she blushed even more. “Thanks.”

They fell silent again, but this time the silence was strained. He could tell that the exchange had made her uncomfortable, and there was tension between them now. To him it was a sweet tension, and he reflected that it had been occurring more and more frequently of late.

His fatigue finally began to catch up with him, and he did his best to stifle a yawn. She caught it and turned to him, looking almost thankful for the excuse to leave.

“Well, healing touch or not, the Doctor will have my hide if I don’t leave you to get some sleep.”

Chakotay flashed her a dazzling grin. “Sleep is starting to sound like an exceptionally good idea. Thank you for visiting, Captain.”

She grinned lopsidedly at him as she gathered up their empty mugs. “Any time. Get well soon, Commander. The bridge… isn’t the same without you.”

Her statement sent his heartbeat into double-time, and he smiled happily as she took their mugs to the recycler and then headed for the door. Just before she reached it, she turned back around.

“I’m so very glad you’re back, Chakotay,” she said softly, and he was relieved that she was across the room. It meant that she wouldn’t be able to see the tremor that ran through his body as she said his name, wrapped her lips around it like an intimate caress.

“I’m glad to be back, Captain,” he said just as quietly, and he wondered if the distance was as misleading as he thought it was. He could definitely see her shiver as he murmured her rank; he would never presume to use her given name, but the way he addressed her left neither of them in doubt that the use of her name would be superfluous.

Smiling uncertainly, she stood still for a moment longer, and then she wordlessly turned and left his quarters. His smile lingered long after the doors closed behind her.

“Very glad…”