Vanquishing the Demons
By Ralkana

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"I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start."

With that, he turned and walked away. There was such a haunted, dead tone to his words, and Kathryn wanted to run after him, talk to him, shake him, do anything to get that out of his voice, out of him. But The Captain took firm control of her, turned her around, and propelled her back into Sickbay.

She dealt as diplomatically as she could with the Kradin ambassador, apologizing for Chakotay's curt behavior, but he waved off her words, saying that he understood and that she should let him know if there was anything more he could do. She saw him off and then lightly chastised Neelix for bringing in the ambassador without consulting her or the Doctor first. Her morale officer was suitably regretful, and she accepted his effusive apologies with a weary nod. She was just about to go find Chakotay when B'Elanna contacted her with a minor emergency in engineering.

All in all, it was nearly four hours before she had the opportunity to look for her best friend. She went to her quarters but found she was too worried and exhausted to even change out of her uniform.

"Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is in Holodeck One."

She listlessly punched up the duty roster on her desk console and rearranged it to give Chakotay the next three days off. It wouldn't come anywhere near close enough to giving him time to heal, but she knew that he would probably be upset that she was making him take even that much time off. He'd want to get right back into his routine, she was sure.

At the last moment, she put in another change, giving herself tomorrow off. She hadn't slept since they had arrived at the rendezvous point to find that Chakotay's shuttle was not there. She had a feeling that if she found Chakotay and successfully got him to talk to her about his experiences, it was going to be a long night.

Kathryn's mind was blank as she traversed the corridors of her ship. She automatically nodded at the crewmembers she passed, but nothing registered except the dread she felt for her friend. She found herself staring at the holodeck doors, steeling herself to go in. She knew that Chakotay probably wished to be alone, but she also knew that solitude was the absolute last thing he needed at the moment. In a way, she was hoping he would blow up at her for intruding on his privacy; at least that would be an outlet for his emotions. She could take his anger and his loathing, knowing they were temporary, but she didn't know if he could take them if they were turned inward on himself. She glanced at the settings, and though she didn't recognize which program he had running, she was immensely relieved to see that he'd left the safeties on. Taking a deep breath, she triggered the doors.

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it wasn't the almost pitch blackness that greeted her. In the light from the corridor that spilled in around her, she could see that there was indeed ground before her, so she took a few steps forward and permitted the doors to close behind her. She stood for a moment and allowed her senses to adjust.

There were small sounds all around her, and Kathryn gradually realized she was standing on a path in a forest, with wildlife rustling in the undergrowth. She glanced up through the canopy of the trees, and she could see stars here and there in the dark sky. There was a faint orange glow off the path up ahead. She opened her mouth to call for a holographic wrist beacon, and then she changed her mind.

"Computer, one kerosene lantern, lit."

It materialized on the ground beside her, and she picked it up, holding it before her. She began to inch her way down the path, treading carefully in order to keep from injuring herself or anything that might be on the path. As she neared the orange glow, it became apparent that it was a small fire in a clearing, and she could see Chakotay sitting by it with his medicine bundle spread out on the ground.

Kathryn stopped and turned away, not prepared to disturb him if he was on a vision quest; his spirit guide could probably help him far more than she could at this point. As she turned, however, two things caught her eye and prevented her from leaving. First, though his bundle was spread open, he was turned away from it, staring into the fire. Second, he was slumped dejectedly, not sitting peacefully at rest, the way he would be if he were on a quest.

She moved closer and knelt next to him, placing the lantern carefully on the ground a distance away from the fire. He did not react to her presence, and she wondered if he was in a trance of some kind after all.

"Chakotay..." she murmured, softly, not wanting to frighten or startle him, especially when she realized that his instincts might still be in overdrive.

He reacted then, but not quickly. He slowly looked away from the dancing flames, up into her eyes, and her breath caught in her throat at the desolation and despair in those twin pools of black. There was none of the anger she had anticipated and prepared for; at least, there was none directed at her.

"I hated them," he said, and then he shook his head. "No, that's not true. I hate them. Spirits help me, Kathryn, I hate them, with everything in me." His voice became softer; it was almost a whisper, and she had to struggle to hear it over the crackling and popping of the fire. "I thought that I was past that kind of hate, that I wasn't capable of it anymore. I thought that I was at peace."

Kathryn said nothing, sure that there was nothing she could say that would make what had happened to him at the hands of the Vori any easier for him to accept. She settled down beside him, to let him speak if he wished, or to sit with him in silence if that was what he wanted. She tentatively placed a comforting hand on his knee, somewhat prepared for him to shrug it off. Instead, he covered it with his own hand and squeezed it gently, leaving it there as he glanced gratefully at her and then stared back into the flames.

"Why me?" he asked, but it was not the whine of a man who feels that the universe is conspiring against him. It was the voice of a man who is truly trying to determine his place in the grand scheme of things. "Why, after all I've struggled to achieve, why is it my fate to end up back at the beginning of my path? I feel like everything I've accomplished is gone, and all that's left again is the anger and the hatred." He looked up at her suddenly, and there was supplication in his eyes, pleading with her to help him.

"I don't want this anger again, Kathryn! It scares me, and this isn't who I want to be!"

"Then don't let it be," she said simply, and he stared at her. "Chakotay, everything you've worked to achieve is around you, on this ship: your crew, your friends... your family. Those things haven't disappeared. The Vori chose you because you were convenient; they would have done the same thing to Tom, to Harry, maybe even to B'Elanna or me," she said, and he shuddered at that, briefly crushing her hand in his. "But it was effective, it is effective, because you are a good man, the best I know. You're an honorable man with strong beliefs, and they used that and turned it against you. They turned your best qualities against you, Chakotay, but you can use those same qualities to rid yourself of the hate they have planted in you."

"Nice words," he said angrily, "But how exactly do I do that?"

Kathryn let his anger wash over her, drawing it from him. "I don't know. But we'll figure it out." She glanced at his bundle. "Have you tried a vision quest?"

He sighed. "Some help. My father and my guide both told me I need to 'let go of my anger.' Apparently, the 'how' is up to me to figure out." He looked thoughtful. "It reminded me of the first quests I took after my father's death, actually. A bunch of useless words and images."

"Maybe that's a starting point," she said. "Maybe you need to look at how you feel now about your father's death, about the Cardassians."

He shot to his feet, startling her, and began to pace. His movements were so erratic that for a moment she was truly worried that they would carry him directly into the fire.

"That's completely different! The Cardassians... I do hate them, I still do, as much as I wish I didn't, as much as I wish I could release it, I still do. But that anger, that hate, it's simply a part of me now, like the love I have for my family. It isn't all I am anymore, the way it was in the Maquis. But they... they killed my father, tortured my family, destroyed my home... I have reason to hate them, as much as hatred can be rationalized. But the Kradin haven't done anything to me! I don't want to hate them! This isn't my war!" he shouted. He stopped suddenly and sank to the ground next to her, as if the outburst had drained him of all his energy.

Without thinking about it, Kathryn rose up on her knees, reached for him, and took him in her arms, cradling his head on her shoulder. He stiffened momentarily and then relaxed into her, clinging to her. She stroked his hair and the back of his neck, sighing when she realized he was trembling.

She held him, incredibly grateful that he was talking to her and allowing her to comfort him, especially after all of their recent difficulties. She had been afraid their conflict over their dealings with the Borg and Species 8472 had created a rift in their relationship that couldn't be healed. But he'd acted friendly after things had returned to what passed for normal on Voyager, and before they could do much to discuss or mend things, he'd gone on this ill-fated mission. And now, he needed someone, and despite their recent problems, she was still the person on Voyager closest to him. As much as she longed to give him more, she'd have to settle for giving him the comfort of a best friend. She just wondered if it would be enough to pull him out of this.

A shudder ran through her when she thought of the low-level background terror she'd felt since they'd discovered the debris of Chakotay's shuttle. She stroked his hair again. Oh Chakotay, I really thought I'd lost you for good this time. I thought I'd never be able to fix things between us. But I'd give anything to go back to that, to take away your pain right now.

After a while, his trembling stopped, but he did nothing to disengage himself from her arms. His breathing was slow and even, and she wondered if he'd fallen asleep.

"Chakotay?" she whispered, not wanting to risk waking him if he had. There was no answer, and she sighed. "Oh, Chakotay." When his voice came, she jumped.

"It would be so easy if I could just... I don't know, transfer my anger to the Vori. After all, they're the ones who did this to me."

"Would you feel any better about yourself if you could turn this anger on them? Is it the target of your anger that's disturbing you, or the anger itself?"

"You sound like my damn guide," he said tersely, his whole body tensing. Then, slowly, he relaxed again. "I'm sorry, Kathryn... I know you're trying to help. How... how can I hate them so much?" he asked, still speaking into her shoulder. "Nothing they did to me, nothing I saw, none of it was real."

"On the contrary," she said, rubbing at his solid neck to relieve the knot there, "Everything you experienced was real, Chakotay." He raised his head to stare at her, and her breath caught in her throat at his nearness. There was confusion in his dark, soulful eyes. "It was real here," she said, tapping his temple before worming her hand between them until she was resting it on his chest. "And here. And that's all that matters. Everything you experienced down there on that planet was as real as this fire."

He reared back, angry now. He opened his mouth to speak and she placed her fingers on it, stilling him.

"I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that the fire's not real. It's very real, Chakotay. It's real enough to burn you if you let it." She briefly closed her eyes, thinking of how relieved she'd been to find he hadn't turned the holodeck safeties off. "Everything that happened to you is real, your anger and your pain are real, as real as that fire, and they will consume you if you let them, just as that fire will consume you if you allow it to."

She took a deep breath, settling so that she was sitting again and off of her knees. I'm too old to be kneeling like that for too long, she thought, and noticed that as soon as she sat, Chakotay did too.

"Those aren't the only things that are real, though. This is real," she said, gently tapping his combadge so she wouldn't set it off. "This is real," she said, running a finger over his rank bar. "That's real," she said, pointing to his spread out medicine bundle. "And so is this," she said, waving her fingers between their faces, indicating them, their conversation, and a whole host of experiences, emotions, and feelings.

He had been listening silently, dark eyes following her movements without registering any emotion. At her last gesture, his eyes narrowed and his jaw set angrily.

"Is it? Is it real, Kathryn, this... whatever it is that's between us?"

With that, she knew that she'd been right to believe that recent events had changed things between them. Her heart sank, and she hoped she hadn't just destroyed whatever help she'd been up to that point. Before she could respond, he spoke again.

"Is it real, or the next time I do my job, disagree with you, are you going to look at me with those disappointed eyes, ask me if I trust you, if I support you? Are you going to smile sadly at me and tell me you're alone? How real is it? How do I know I can trust it?" He was up and pacing again, unable to properly vent his emotions while sitting down.

"Chakotay, I -- "

"Do you have any idea what it was like, Kathryn? All that I do on this damn ship, everything I can to help you, make your job -- your life -- easier, share your burdens, and you stood there and you used me... used our friendship, my loyalty, my feelings for you -- and don't pretend you don't know what feelings I'm talking about -- you stood there and you told me you're alone. Do you know what that did to me?"

By the time he finished speaking his voice was so low it was nearly a whisper, and she could scarcely hear him; he was turned away from her, standing stiffly with his fists clenched and his head bowed. Kathryn sat dumbstruck, stunned at his outburst. She'd thought she could take his rage and his pain, but that had been when she'd thought they would be misdirected at her, an understandably emotional response to his experiences with the Vori. But the anger and the betrayal radiating from him now were not misdirected. They were aimed perfectly, at her, and she felt the blows as surely as if he'd made them with a weapon.

Without warning, her lower lip began to tremble. Oh God, no, not now, she thought, feeling her formidable emotional defenses start to crumble. The exhaustion and terror of the last few days and the pent-up maelstrom of emotions she'd repressed during and after their dealings with the Borg and 8472 had finally caught up with her. Seeing him struggle with his demons, new and old, and seeing how much he'd been hurt by her own actions only served to increase her distress. Not now, he has enough to deal with, she told herself sternly, closing her eyes against the sudden onslaught of tears. One escaped and slipped down her cheek, but she ignored it, focusing instead on what she had to say.

"I... I am sorry, Chakotay, and I know that's not enough. You're right. I used you, used everything you said I did, used everything I could to get you to agree with me. It was unforgivable of me, and it's not something I can ever make up to you," she said. She could clearly hear a tremor in her voice, though she fought to dispel it. She kept her eyes closed, though, and thus couldn't see his reaction to know whether or not he heard it as well.

"I was wrong. I see that now, but then... then I could only see the way home. I have to get them home, Chakotay; I have to. I have to get us home, and I let that blind me to everything else. I couldn't stand the thought of backtracking, of losing one meter of the ground we've fought so hard to gain. Don't you see? Every day -- every minute we're here is one more minute gone, and to go back... Every day away from Earth is one more day Naomi goes without seeing her father and Tuvok goes without seeing his children, one more day Mike Ayala can't tell his sons he loves them, one more day I can't tell you -- "

Kathryn stopped suddenly, horrified at what she heard herself saying. She'd been so focused on getting him to understand her motives that she hadn't been thinking about her words before they poured forth. She knew, as his head came up and his shoulders stiffened, that Chakotay had heard her. He turned to face her but did not come closer.

"Tell me what?" he asked softly. She didn't answer, and he moved in, swiftly closing the space between them until there was none left. "One more day you can't tell me what, Kathryn?"

She said nothing, unable to move, knowing she couldn't avoid what was coming. She'd been simultaneously dreading and anticipating this moment, the moment everything between them came to a head. She didn't know what to say; she might have been guilty of lies of omission and evading the subject, but she had never lied to him outright about her love for him, and she wasn't going to start now. Their relationship was at the breaking point; whatever she said next -- her thoughts were derailed as he gently took her chin in his hand and raised her face to his.

"Tell me what?" he asked again, but no words were necessary. He must have seen an answer in her eyes because his widened in surprise and disbelief. "Kathryn?"

Kathryn closed her eyes and bit her lower lip in consternation, suddenly very unsure of everything. Her eyes flew open as she felt the soft touch of Chakotay's lips on hers, and then fluttered closed again as he repeated the light kiss. His hand slid around to the back of her head to tangle in her hair as his other hand moved to the small of her back to pull her to him.

He swiftly deepened the kiss, his tongue pushing insistently at her lips until she let him in. He plundered her mouth, stealing her breath as his hands moved down her back, cupping her buttocks and crushing her to him so that she could feel the proof of his desire as it pressed adamantly against her stomach.

She moaned into the kiss as his hand slid up her stomach to roughly knead her breast through the layers of her uniform. He finally broke the kiss, trailing his lips down to her neck, and she jumped as he nipped forcefully at the delicate skin just above the collar of her turtleneck.

Over the desire coursing through her, Kathryn felt a tiny thread of fear at Chakotay's aggression. Whatever happened was not going to be sweet and gentle, she thought, gasping as he suckled at her skin, holding it between his teeth to mark her as his. The sensation sent a lick of fire through her, and her hands came up to tangle in his raven hair, holding him to her as she moaned again. We have the rest of our lives for sweet and gentle... this is good now.

"Computer..." she panted out, "Engage privacy lock..."

Chakotay's eyes flew open and his hands went to her shoulders, pushing her away from him.

"No!" he exclaimed, turning away from her as she nearly stumbled. His next words brought her to her knees anyway.

"I don't want this!"

Kathryn wrapped her arms tightly around herself as his words pierced her. The tears came and though she closed her eyes against them, they spilled through her lashes anyway. She tried to breathe deeply, tried to make herself get up and leave the holodeck, but she was numb. Well, that's it then. He used to love you, and you killed it. She bit her lip to keep a wail from escaping, and she vaguely registered him saying something.

He was suddenly kneeling beside her, and she flinched when he took her chin in his hand this time, but her eyes stayed closed, tears spilling from them.

"Kathryn... Kathryn, please. Look at me, please."

She struggled to open her eyes, but she could barely manage to hold his gaze for a second or two before she looked down at the ground. Chakotay sighed as the terrible pain he saw in her eyes caused his own to fill.

"Spirits, Kathryn, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that like it sounded... oh Gods, I'm sorry."

He wrapped his arms around her, and she stiffened as he buried his face in her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I want this, Kathryn, I want you, more than I've ever wanted anything in my life! Please believe me; I want it more than I want my next breath! But not like this, not when I'm so full of anger and hate and pain that I can't see straight. I have waited -- we have waited -- so long for this, Kathryn, and I don't want the first time we make love to be about anger or comfort. We deserve so much more than that. I'm sorry," he whispered again, stroking her back as she gradually relaxed and slipped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while, each drawing strength from the other. Eventually, he spoke again, with his face still buried in her shoulder, inhaling her scent, the scent he loved so much.

"I... I think I need time, Kathryn. I'm so angry right now, at the Kradin, and the Vori... and you." She trembled in his arms, and he held her closer. "It's because you mean so much to me that your actions hurt me the way that they did, Kathryn. I have to work through all this, have to find some semblance of the peace I had before, or things won't be right between us, no matter how much I want them to be. And I want things to be right between us; I won't let all of this destroy us." He sighed, frustrated, and stood, staring into the fire. "This isn't coming out the way I want it to... am I making any sense at all?"

Kathryn stood also, and moved around to his side so that she could see his face. His look of frustrated confusion made her chuckle, and she cupped his cheek in her hand to lighten the blow of her laughter.

"Yes, Chakotay. You're making perfect sense. And if anyone understands the need for time to work out your feelings, I do. After all, you've waited quite a long time for me to come to terms with mine. Take as much time as you need; do you..." she paused, afraid of his answer. "Do you want me to back off for a while, leave you alone? I realize it will be difficult because of our positions on the ship -- "

"No," he answered quickly, grabbing her hand as if to keep her close to him. "No, don't do that. I need you," he said solemnly, and she smiled a little. "You... you're the one that brought me peace before, remember? I don't think I can do this without you, Kathryn, but... it won't be easy."

She laughed outright this time, shaking her head. He stared at her in confusion.

"Nothing worth having is ever easy to achieve, Chakotay. But we'll get through this." She squeezed his hand. "You need to see the Doctor again." He sighed, and she glared at him reproachfully. "I know you don't like doctors and medications, but there might be something he can do to help, and I don't think he was quite finished with you when you left Sickbay earlier."

Chakotay clenched his jaw and his fists, and his eyes blazed. "I couldn't stay -- not after Neelix brought that..."

"I know. I know, Chakotay, but promise me you'll go see the Doctor tomorrow morning."

"I'm on duty tomorrow morning."

"No you're not. Neither of us is," she said, and he stared at her. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him that he's not on duty for two days after that...

"Fine," he said, and he was going to say more but he was interrupted by a jaw-cracking yawn. "I'm too exhausted to argue any more tonight."

"You should go back to your quarters and get some sleep."

He shook his head. "Not just yet... I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with Starfleet grey and beige yet. I think this setting is better for my spirit at the moment," he said with a small smile, but then his face fell. "My time's up pretty soon, though. Computer, how much holodeck time do I have left?"

"The current timeslot ends in thirteen minutes, thirty four seconds," the computer responded promptly, and Chakotay sighed. Kathryn immediately raised her head, calling out a query of her own.

"Computer, who has the next reservation for Holodeck One?"

Chakotay looked at Kathryn in surprise as the computer answered, "Crewman James Bailey has reserved Holodeck One from 0500 to 0630."

"Computer, reserve Holodeck One for Kathryn Janeway from the end of Commander Chakotay's reservation to the beginning of Crewman Bailey's."

"Acknowledged."

"Kathryn," he said warily, ignoring her confident smile. "Are you sure that was wise? What's the crew going to thi -- "

"What makes you think they're going to find out?" she asked, and he just stared at her wordlessly. She sighed... of course the crew would find out. Voyager was a small ship, and her crew missed nothing. There was no way the captain's reservation of a holodeck directly after the first officer's time -- made while inside the holodeck during the first officer's time -- in the middle of the night would escape attention.

"If they find out," she said, "Some will think I'm helping my first officer recover from a difficult mission, and they'd be right. Some will think I'm being with my best friend as he gets over a traumatic experience, and they'd be right. Some will think I'm spending time with the man I love, helping him cope through a hard time, and they'd be right too. They're all right, Chakotay, but it doesn't matter. Some might disapprove, and that doesn't matter now, either. We'll deal with that later. Right now, the focus is on you."

Chakotay's eyes were suspiciously bright as he pulled her to him, hugging her fiercely. His lips found hers, but this kiss was gentle and soft, a quick touch of gratitude and joy.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Sit with me? Unless you want to leave..."

She took his hand and sat before the fire, pulling him down with her. They sat, hands entwined and knees and shoulders touching, watching the ever-changing pattern of the flames. Eventually, Kathryn noticed movement out of the corner of her eye, and drew her gaze away from the fire to glance at Chakotay. His head was slowly falling forward, and his hand was slack in hers. She chuckled, shifting so that she was slightly farther away from him, and then she pulled gently on his shoulder.

Chakotay shifted and grunted as he fell against Kathryn's shoulder, but he didn't wake. With a little bit more maneuvering, she got him to lay flat out, with his head in her lap. She noticed with a sigh that he was frowning even in his sleep, the expression pulling his handsome face into sharp planes and angles. She softly stroked his furrowed brow, smiling as the lines of agitation were smoothed away by her touch. Her fingers moved of their own volition to lightly trace his tattoo.

"My warrior," she whispered, and then she laughed quietly. Whether he's peaceful or angry, he's my warrior.

She continued stroking his tattoo, lost in memories, and she found herself whispering without even being aware of doing so.

"The woman warrior vowed to stay at the angry warrior's side, watching over him as he had always watched over her, and giving him whatever he needed to vanquish his demons, as she knew that it was only when the demons were beaten that he could come to her fully. This was what she wanted most because the woman warrior could not bear to see him suffer, for she loved him with everything in her..."

Her voice trailed off into silence as she watched Chakotay sleep, mesmerized by the unceasing rustling of small creatures in the woods around them and the even rise and fall of his chest in the dancing firelight.